Never be like him, never be like you

“How could you, Gilbert! How could you disobey me so blatantly?!”

Ludwig had never felt so small of his entire life. Head pressed against the window he was trying to block out his parents’ angry cries and his brother’s loud protests. Mr. Beilshmidt, a famous banker, and Mrs. Beilshmidt, an all-girls school director, were both sitting at the front of the car, lips and knuckles white from rage and face tight. Ludwig knew what this meant and it terrified him.

“You mother and I work hard so you can study in such a prestigious establishment and all you do is disobey and humiliate us!”

“Humiliate!! I have straight A’s everywhere! I am one of the bests in the entire school!! I am allowed to do what I like in my free time!”

“You will be allowed to do what you want when you will be a respected doctor!”

“But then, I won’t have free time! Isn’t it enough I’m actually working hard to become someone I’m not?”

Ludwig flinched and had to close his eyes for a moment. This was a very touchy subject and he knew that from now this was conversation was only going to get worse. Gilbert becoming a doctor was their parents goal in life and they had signed up there son to an all-boys school to make sure he wouldn’t get distracted by girls and would get the perfect education. This had all been done against his big brother’s will of course. Ludwig, in his case, was destined to become a diplomat and was going to start attending the same school the next year. He didn’t mind much unlike his brother, which was his biggest weakness.

“You have no idea of whom you really are! You are too young and too reckless.” This time, it was his mother who had spoken. Firm and sharp. “You will become a proper doctor like planned, marry a have children that you will raise to become important citizens in society. This is who you are supposed to be! We won’t let you waste your life doing something as stupid as… acting!”

“It is not stupid! It’s what I like to do! I don’t want to marry and have children! I don’t even like women!”

Ludwig froze in shock. He knew his brother was gay, he had admitted it to him in one of their few brother-bonding late night reunions when their parents where fast asleep, but he had made the promise not to tell a soul. Their parents knew about it too, they knew that, but it was a taboo subject. Neither of the brothers knew how they had learned it but Gilbert didn’t care and didn’t admit it out loud. Until today. The reaction was just like it was supposed to be. It was the reaction of two people who had known this day would come but had been denying it.  They stayed silent. A very heavy silent.  Ludwig watched from the corner of his eyes as his parents grew tense before his father let out an angry sight,

“It’s a phase. You shouldn’t have shagged that boy. You’re going to heal soon.”

“HEAL? This is not a sickness!”

“Gilbert, don’t talk to your father like that!”

“I can talk to him however I want! I am a grown man, I am old enough to take my own decisions and decide what is good for me!!”

Mrs. Beilshmidt lips turned up in a grimace. Ludwig held his breath, waiting for the bomb to drop.

“Old enough? Not a sickness? HAH! You fool! What do you know of life? You’re just an innocent little boy who isn’t even a proper human being!  You were a mistake since the day you were born!! You should be happy we even gave you a chance in life! You should be grateful of everything  we’ve ever done for you!”    

“GRATEFUL!!”

Mother had always hated Gilbert’s appearance. He wasn’t the little boy she had wanted. He was a little demon with pale skin and red eyes that stained the perfect family life she and father had imagined. But Ludwig liked his brother the way he was. His loud, outgoing self was perfect with his physical appearance and he was so glad that he was the way he is because he couldn’t imagine having a rejected and depressed big brother. He needed him to talk to him and learn from him. But he also wanted to respect his parents. He never really understood why, he just felt he had too. He hoped Gilbert understood that.

“You have done nothing for me except telling how much of a mistake I am-”

“That wouldn’t happen if you at least tried to be a bit more like your brother!”

“Don’t you dare bring him up in this conversation!”

When Ludwig was born, he was immediately taken in charge by an army of nannies, then tutors. His parents wanted him to be perfect to make up for the Gilbert mistake. And Ludwig hated himself for that. A pang of guilt and hurt rang through him as he was once again brought up as the perfect example. He was the little brother. Gilbert was supposed to be the example. Not him. Not him…

“You are going to forget anything about acting or hanging out to…to those pubs! They are only distractions that rot human minds weak enough to fall for them. You will forget anything that isn’t studying and you will stop hanging out with those two friends of yours! You will, however, study and become a proper doctor with a proper life and family!”

“BUT I DON’T WANT ANY OF THAT!!”

“YOU DON’T HAVE A CHOICE YOUNG MAN!”

“YES I DO! AND I CHOOSE NOT TO LISTEN TO YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE THE WORST PARENTS I COULD EVER GET! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING IN LIFE, ALL YOU THINK ABOUT ARE MONEY AND SOCIAL APPEARANCES!! YOU WOULDN’T EVEN BE TOGETHER IF IT WEREN’T FOR THAT!”

Gilbert had screamed those words and Ludwig heard all the hidden hurt under the angry rant. He felt even worst.

“THAT’S IT!”

Father’s voice slammed like a whip in the air.

“I have had enough of this! Gilbert, you are leaving Regina high tomorrow, and you’re heading straight for the military school!”

“But that’s ten more years!”

This was supposed to be Gilbert’s last year of school….

“I don’t want to hear it!”

The car fell dead silent. Ludwig crushed himself even more against the car window afraid of getting noticed, and feeling so, so small he couldn’t wait to be back to his cold empty room to curl up in his uncomfortable bed. What happened next would forever stay engraved in his mind. He remembered every detail. How the car came to a stop at the red light, how the rain suddenly looked far more heavy, and how the sky seemed so much more grey than it was a few seconds ago. How Gilbert opened his car door and rand out, slamming it shut behind him. Ludwig watched him disappear in the cold, rainy night suddenly feeling more lonely than he ever did before. When the light was green again, Father started the car like nothing had happened.

“Ludwig, sit up straight.” Ordered his father  

He obeyed. There was a heavy silence. Then his mother spoke, giving the deathblow.

“Never be like him! Promise me you’ll never be like him! Promise me!”

One look at the dark night, and Ludwig had a picture of Gilbert, alone, in the dark. He wanted to be free, and now he was. He was a glad for him, in a way. His brother could’ve waited and prepared himself better … Then one look back at his parents. Their stiff faces and their loveless eyes… who was the most lonely? Him or Gilbert? He didn’t know, he didn’t want to know. His parents had expectations, and he didn’t have a passion like Gilbert so he couldn’t know. He had to respect his parents’ wishes; it was for his own good. He was going to be happy… there it was already better.  Now he had to repeat it and hang on to it. He was going to be happy.

“I promise”

Gilbert should have listened too.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

“Please accept my condolences. You father was a great man, he left us too early.”

Ludwig politely accepted the words given more out of respect than true regret, but inside he was smiling. The old man was finally dead. He felt bad that he was so happy of that fact, because no child should have to feel happy about their parents ‘ death, but he felt so much better now! He was light and free, at last! He had successfully finished his studies to become a diplomat, and he had all the money he needed (He quite liked his job actually and was good at it) but his parents had been on his back, pushing him to marry, attend parties he didn’t want to attend or make money. But now they were dead. Finally!

The German diplomat never knew why he bought himself a ticket to go to the theatre this specific afternoon, but he did. It may have been a self-satisfactory act (his parents hated the theatre) but he didn’t care and he didn’t regret it. The story line was okay from what he remembered, but he didn’t know much apart from that because of the actors. There, on the scene, playing the main part was his brother! Gilbert was acting, living his dream!

He waited at the actor’s exit later, long after the play ended. He saw his brother come out, kiss and wave goodbye to a pretty blond which Ludwig remembered being one of his friends that their parents hated and watched him look so happy. For one second, he was a little child again, looking up to his big brother and wanting to do like him… The next he decided it was better the way it was now, because he wouldn’t have managed a lifestyle similar to Gilbert’s. They had learned from their respective experiences and it was goo the way it was.

When Gilbert started heading home, he noticed him. The two brothers froze and examined each other like they were overlooking a stranger.  Then Gilbert had one of his ear splitting grins Ludwig had missed during all those years.

“Hello bruder! How’s life?”

Ludwig smiled back, and approached to place a friendly hand on his brother’s shoulder. It was such a comforting contact for something so simple.

“Guten tag, bruder, how’s life?”

They had a lot of catching up to do